Letting Go

...Do not be afraid any longer, only believe. Mark 5:36

In August I went to Arizona for a women’s retreat with some pretty incredible women. The theme of this year’s retreat was “Welcome Waiting”. Not quite sure how that topic applied at the time, but just thankful to be away from the noise of life in Baltimore, I went with an open heart. Before I even made it to the actual retreat, in conversation with one of my mentors, God spoke something so clearly to my heart. Something I was not expecting and something that would cause me to question just about everything. I clearly heard Him ask me to get off of social media. So, I’m thinking this just means taking a break- that temporary deactivation button until you “accidentally” log back on because you need to get information about an event that can obviously only be found on Facebook.

Nope, He said permanently delete.

Come on God, You know it’s impossible to actually delete Facebook right? Or at least that’s what I thought. So I did some research and discovered that you can permanently delete it but that they make it difficult because if you, over a course of 14 days after saying you want to delete it, log onto any app that is connected through Facebook, it will automatically reactivate. Facebook does not go down easy. They send you about 5 emails asking if you’re sure and try to get you to log back on and save all of your pictures etc. Come on God- the pictures...I don’t have them saved anywhere else!

Fresh start. You don’t need any of it. No reminders, no pictures, not even the good ones. Let it all go.

So, 150% sure that’s what He was asking me to do, I deleted it. And honestly, I don’t think I’m ever going to get back onto social media. Which doesn’t really sound like a big deal, but when He asked me to do it, it sort of felt like a part of me was being put to death. Dramatic right? But that’s what it felt like.

I think He wanted to redirect my focus. Because I was losing the plot. It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t just receive from Him without feeling the need to share it on social media. As in, everything I read or heard or received in worship had to be somehow validated by people to make it real. I couldn’t tell why I was sharing things anymore. Following the ever growing community of those who, praise God, are being called out of homosexuality and are responding to this call and sharing books and stories and events...I felt myself feeling the need to compete, to make my voice louder, my posts more often, my attendance at events more frequent- so that my life somehow remained relevant, useful...rather than looking to Him for validation, meaning and purpose. It all felt like too much.

It is frightening how normal this cycle can become, how we can get so caught up in all of these things, not realizing the impact it is having on us. We can be so busy, so consumed even with good things backed by wrong/broken motives, that we don’t even recognize the growing distance between ourselves and God.

I forgot what it was to be intimate with God. To be able to have a moment with Him and to keep it to myself. To be able to hear Him speak something specific and personal and to just smile knowing how loved I am by my Creator. I didn’t realize how far away I was.

Or the lengths He would go to ensure I went no further.

It was freeing to let go of social media. It physically, emotionally and spiritually felt like a huge weight was lifted. It was weird not feeling part of that virtual world, not knowing what everyone was up to on a regular basis. Being the last to find out about events, if I hear of them at all because who sends text or email invites anymore when you have Facebook events? But these things didn’t particularly bother me. It’s kind of nice having to actually reach out and touch base with people or physically getting together to catch up rather than relying on status updates.

Over time, however, the doubts began to creep in. And on top of Him making it clear I needed to be off of social media, I began to hear Him asking me to step away from the ex-LGBT/LGBT ministry scene.

BUT GOD?!

Who am I without this voice, without being seen? What if they think I’ve gone back? How will I reach anyone? Didn’t You call me out of homosexuality so that I could help pull others out? What on earth do I do now? Where am I supposed to be? I’m almost 30 and this isn’t looking at all like what I thought it would. It’s been almost 4 years since You’ve pulled me out of homosexuality and I thought I would have a family by now. I thought I would be farther along. I thought I wouldn’t struggle anymore. I thought things would be easy. I thought I would feel happy. I didn’t think I would be in Baltimore this long. Am I where You want me? Am I missing something? Please don’t let me miss You. I just want You to say well done. I just want to please You. Am I Yours? Do You still have me?

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

It has been nearly 2 months since I heard Him clearly ask me to let go and to be with Him. It has not been an easy few months. He asked me to let go of Facebook for heaven’s sake and here I am questioning my entire existence! Not that Facebook answered any of those questions or gave me reason to live, but it sure was a good distraction to the underlying fear and struggle that has been brewing for a long time. When He asked me to let go of the ministry scene I thought I was called to, I felt like I was flailing about aimlessly in the middle of the ocean.

But...I realize now, though it has been and is extremely painful, how necessary all of this has been. Without the distraction, many unresolved issues have surfaced. I’ve been battling with things I didn’t even realize I struggled with. A lot of fear. Paralyzing, OCD, irrational fear...about many things. What if I run out of money? What if things fall apart? What if I get bed-bugs (yes, for real...fear to the point of nightmares). What if? What if? What if... It’s endless. And it’s torment.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Some days I feel so lost. Like He pulled me out of all of the mess I was in and left me here to fend for myself. And as I type this I am reminded again how completely dumb that is. I know this is not true. But what we believe or don’t believe shapes our actions or our inactions. And we are prone to believe some pretty crazy things, some outright lies, if we are not taking every thought captive and comparing it to what He says in His word.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and we are ready to punish all disobedience, whenever your obedience is complete. 2 Corinthians 10:3-6

When I stop to think about some of the fears I have had, some of the thought patterns...I am dumbfounded by my lack of trust. Disbelief. Also pride, because who am I to think that I hold anything together, that I have to maintain control? For me not to trust Him and to be anxious like I have been is to say that I do not believe He is Who He says He is. I somehow have convinced myself that so long as I am being still and not actively involved in ministry the way I initially thought I would be, I have no purpose. Because I’m not loud and bold and in front with a microphone, I am no longer important. When really, I think He is just trying to show me that it’s not going to look like what I thought it would, but so much greater, because it will be Him painting the picture and not Gabby. And there is nothing in this world I could do, no matter how good, how great, how life changing, how impactful...it will be for nothing if I lose my soul in the process.

Lord, forgive my unbelief. I do believe. Please help my unbelief.

I am fully capable of pulling anyone out of any sin struggle with or without Your help. I saved you because I love You and because I want you to know and to be known by Me. If anything gets in the way of this relationship, regardless of what it is or what it looks like, it has to go. I will not have you continue down any road that would risk your salvation and relationship with Me. You cannot earn My affection. It is yours. And I am fully capable of promoting you in My timing and when your heart is in the right place. I am building your character. You must learn to be still. To simply be with me. I have not nor will I ever abandon you. I am not a God who uses people and leaves them when I am finished with them. You forget that I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone to accomplish what I want to accomplish. I have put eternity into the hearts of men and I could use anything to bring them to Myself. I choose to use you because I love you and I love to be in relationship with you. I am bringing you on an adventure that you never imagined. You cannot imagine the things and places I have in store for us to go. But I cannot take you there until you have learned to trust My character, My heart for you in the stillness. I want to use you now, exactly where you are at. And I will. And it will take no effort on your part. All I ask is that You remain in My love. Abide in Me. Abide in Me. Rest in My love. Be still and know that I am God. You will not be able to help being used by Me if you remain in Me because the fruit produced will draw many to My love. This fruit will never be produced by your willing it into existence. You are disgusted by the ugly you still see inside of yourself but I am doing a new thing. You do not see it now, but you will. My timing is perfect. I have not forgotten you. I will never leave you.

If I should say, “My foot has slipped,”
Your lovingkindness, O Lord, will hold me up.
When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,
Your consolations delight my soul.
Psalm 94:18-19

So, I am unsure what anything looks like moving forward, but I am learning to be content in the not knowing, because so long as I am seeking Him, I know He will continue to work on me and to guide my every step. I am learning to trust Him moment by moment, day by day. And I am excited for what He has in store. Even though I am sure that means lots more pruning, because I long to look more like Him. But there is no striving in His presence. I cannot do this in my own strength or effort. But nothing is too hard for Him. The only way He can show us the better He has for us, is if we will open our hands and let go of what has become comfortable, so that we can take hold of His hands and run...into the vast unknown, in perfect peace and confidence, knowing that He goes before us...knowing that He created the longing for adventure, for family, to make a difference...knowing that as we seek Him...all else will occur as it is meant to occur in His timing. Lord, help me to continue to release all that I cling to. I give You my hands. I’m ready to run with You…

Do not call to mind the former things,Or ponder things of the past.
Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;Will you not be aware of it?I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,Rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:18-19