Strengthen Your Union with Me

There is so much on my heart right now. I just listened to John Eldredge's podcast Wild at Heart- Constant Uncertainty. I would highly recommend this one. So much was shared that was already on my heart...things I hadn't formed words to yet. I will get back to this shortly.

It's been a while since I've felt this overwhelmed with His love and presence. I can feel Him so tangibly and it's a little hard to write because all I want to do is cry...

Where do I begin...Lord, give me the words.

In my past, when I was running and in full rebellion to God, I had no walls, no boundaries, my heart was open to whoever wanted to take it, trample it...and I had no issue doing the same with others. And over the past few years, I think I have slowly made my way over to the opposite end of this extreme...where I find my heart so walled off, with so many boundaries, that it's even hard sometimes to let God in, to let Him touch my heart. To feel Him. To allow myself to feel Him. It's like in attempts to protect myself from the enemy, from others, from myself...I thought I had to build walls. And yes, boundaries are good! But walls so high and so thick that keep God out...not so good. 

I was encouraged this weekend by a dear friend and mentor to ask God what walls I've put up...what they're made of and where He stands in relation to them. And this morning while I was praying and journaling I saw me on one side of a fortress and God was on the other side...

Then I saw a child. No wall, just an open field...open to the world, but it didn't look dark or scary like the one I imagined to be on the other side of my fortress. And instead of being surrounded by walls, she was surrounded by wildflowers and standing next to Jesus, because He was the only protection she needed.

I have a hard time opening up. And to those of you who are the key people I have poured out my life to, you will think...YEAH RIGHT! There are a handful of amazing women/mentors/spiritual moms God has placed in my life who I feel free to pour my heart out to and who have spoken so much life and truth into me...and I am so thankful, because through your love and guidance and leadership, He is showing me how to do this...how to walk this out...and I am so thankful for your example. 

I don't have many close friends. My siblings are my best friends. And there are a few others I consider close friends and family in Christ, but it is even hard for me to be open and transparent and to allow myself to feel things with these people who are closest to my heart. I think because I don't want to be a burden with my feelings and needs and I don't want to be responsible for carrying those of others (as if I am God and responsible for doing so, right?). It is especially hard to allow myself to express and feel emotions when it comes to someone like...you know...more than friends, romantical or whatever (lol). Because I know where I've come from and I don't want to go back there, so for protection, I keep my heart and my self on lock-down. But like I said earlier, I think there is so much of me that has been walled off from God, too.

And this weekend, He showed me this.

After the first week at my new job, I felt completely drained. I should have listened to everyone who told me I needed to take time in between jobs to rest and recharge. I didn't. And it felt like what it feels like when you have a bad break-up with no closure and then jump into a new relationship. Though that new relationship may be a good thing, you needed time to process and you needed closure. 

Also, my mom and brother left last week. After having a house full of people over the last few months, suddenly it was me and my cat. And though I do like alone time and being by myself a whole lot, I love my family so much, and being around them feels like home. Plus, they know me and my issues and love me anyway, so it's easy to be around them because I don't feel like I have to perform. Though I do have to apologize a lot (just ask them).

Another also, I found out that I have a fracture in my foot from running too much and now I can't run at all for at least 3 months and have to wear this gigantic boot for the next 5 weeks. Sigh. Running has been how I've processed things lately. Clearly, I was doing a little too much processing...and honestly, probably not enough spending time in His presence. Hello, boot. I shall embrace the boot season.

Come Friday last week, I was finished. I felt so drained. I went out to Harper's Ferry on Saturday morning and spent 4 hours floating around the Potomac River on a paddleboard. And it was amazing! I talked to Jesus. I sat in silence. I took lots of deep breaths. I listened to the ducks and the boats. I sang a little. I fell off my paddleboard a lot (and have lots of bruises to show for it), each time, pretending that I did it on purpose just to take a little swim before getting back on. I took a nap on the paddleboard, waking up every few minutes to check how close I was to the part of the river that would have made my relaxing float a white-water paddleboarding experience. 

After my time out on the river, I stopped to get gas at Sheetz and went in to get something cold to drink. In West Virginia, there is alcohol in the gas station shops. Not so in Maryland. Not that it matters, I'm just saying. I walked past the wine just fine the first time. And then in my second passing, I picked up a bottle and proceeded to check-out. At check-out, I realized I wanted candy as well, so I went back past the wine and thought, maybe I should put this back. NAH. I got it. 

I spent the evening and night with a family God introduced me to back in February when I was out that way hiking during a much needed weekend retreat with Jesus. I love this family so very much. 

So, I get there and they are busy doing what families do, talking, planning, running around finishing up things last minute in preparation for that evening's activities. Of course, somehow, alcohol comes up and is the topic of conversation for quite some time. Not even all in a bad or negative way, but just talking about it and past experiences and why some people don't drink etc. And I wanted to say something about my past with it, but I felt like I couldn't. Why? Because I had a bottle downstairs waiting for me that I knew I shouldn't have bought. 

I was in the car with Ms. G later that evening and we were just sharing our hearts and I felt like God was like..."say something, Gabby". So, I told her I needed to tell her something before I chickened out because I felt like He was convicting my heart about the bottle of wine I had bought earlier that day and I felt like I needed to surrender the bottle when we got back to the house. Then we laughed a little and talked about how sweet God is because He TOTALLY orchestrated that the talk in the house would be about alcohol that evening because...though alcohol in and of itself, as I have stated many times before, is not BAD, because of my past and because of the reason why I drink it/feel like I need it and what it does to me...it is bad for me. And it is something that in the past I have thought I needed to relax, to be more outgoing, more fun, more someone I'm not. Someone He did not create me to be. 

In college, I couldn't just go out and be myself around other people. I couldn't dance unless I was drinking. I couldn't feel at ease around lots of other people unless I was drinking. And so even now, I think there are times when I'm stressed or tired or feeling anxious or insecure about something or about who I am, that I think I need a drink, when actually I need to go to God and ask why am I feeling this way, what do You say about it? What do You say about who I am and more importantly, who You are? Because wine will not give me the peace and rest and affirmation I need. That can only come from my Father. The One who knows me and wants me to draw near so that I can know Him. The One who wants me to let Him in, because though He knows me, for He made me...He will not invade a space I have not invited or allowed Him into. 

Early this morning, I woke up from a very vivid, real dream. In this dream, I was at this open-air concert/event type-thing. There were SO many people there...sitting at picnic tables, on blankets on the ground. I had been with my mom and one of her friends initially, or I felt like I had just been with them prior to this moment in the dream and I missed them and felt sort of alone. Then I came across a group of people from my past and they beckoned me to them. I didn't want to go and I wanted to go at the same time. One of them was smoking and asked if I wanted to join and kept repeating that I was welcome to join them anytime I wanted to. It felt like she wanted me there but at the same time didn't want me there. I couldn't really tell what I or what anyone else wanted. One of the other people there kept leaning over and whispering things in my ear, memories of things that had happened between us in the past, seductive words. 

Then, out of nowhere, this older lady sticks her head up over this little hill that was to my left and beckons me to come with her, tells me I'm invited somewhere and I need to come see. So I get up and I follow her, not at all sure where we're going. There is a hole in the ground that leads to a tunnel that goes underground to what appears to be this little dimly lit room. There are a few people standing around talking, laughing, joy emanating from them. They handed me a hat and a scroll, and not really sure what either of these were for, I took them...at this point wondering what strange cult I had come across, but I could feel so strongly that they loved Jesus. It appeared that many of the men were wearing Kippahs, and as I looked around and listened to the conversation, it became evident that I was surrounded by many Jewish believers in Jesus. Someone led me around a corner and told me to hurry, that it was about to begin.

I followed her around the corner and the room opened up to this gigantic auditorium with people, too many to count, thousands of people all sitting in joyful expectation. One of my Mimi's friends, Ms. Patsy, called out to me and asked me to come sit next to her. There was a special speaker that night. I don't know who it was, but the topic was the return of Jesus. My heart was flooded with joy and peace and life. Then, I woke up. 

I think the theme of this weekend, of that dream...well, I think there are a few themes. One, He always provides a way of escape. 

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Like with the wine this weekend. I wanted it. But I didn't need it. I needed to be still and to let Him be my source, my strength, my rest, my peace... He loves me so much that He orchestrated things to gently and lovingly draw me back to Him and to remind me that He is so much better than the things that I think will satisfy. He is so faithful. He is so kind. He is so good.

And with the dream, I felt lost and frustrated that I was there and there was a battle going on inside. But He called me out into something bigger that was going on that I couldn't even see. So the second theme, I feel like in this season there is so much going on, so many things and people and events vying for our attention. In the podcast I mentioned earlier, John says that the war right now is for our attention. Because if the enemy can just distract us enough to get our eyes off of Jesus, there goes the peace, the joy, the rest...

I've felt that over the past few weeks so strongly. Things are crazy in our world and country right now. And they will probably get a whole lot worse. Something else John says in the podcast, which is something that I've been hearing Jesus say to me too:

"Please take care of yourself right now. Please take care of your union with Me."

This is the most important thing. The most important place to be. With Him. Abiding. Cultivating a friendship with Jesus. 

We need to ask ourselves right now, what or who is taking away from our union with God? What makes it difficult for me to be with Him? What is taking me away from Him? What is distracting me? And some of these things may be good things! But that's sometimes the most dangerous because it will take a lot more for us to see that they are keeping us from Him and ANYTHING that keeps us from Him, needs to be removed, adjusted. And then we need to ask ourselves, what helps me to draw closer to Him? What things do I need to remove and what needs to be added in? What relationships need adjusting? How does my schedule need to change? My priorities? The time I spend on my phone, TV, news, netflix, video games...where is my attention going? 

He is so close. He is closer than your very breath...but He will not invade your space against your will. Your union with Jesus is everything.

Abba Father, I thank You for loving me. I thank You that You would do whatever it takes to get to my heart, to get my attention when I don't even realize I have so many walls up that I can't hear You. Thank You for always providing a way of escape, a way out. Thank You that what You have for me is so much better than what I expected, than what I see right now. Thank You for Your faithfulness. Thank You that You are preparing Your bride to stand in this season and in the season that is to come, for our life depends on our proximity to You. God, I ask that You draw each person in and reveal to them the areas that need mending, surrendering, so that You can do a deep work and prepare them to be able to stand, clinging to You, never in their own strength, but Yours, when the storm winds blow. Abba, I ask that You would help us when we are weak, that You would help us to keep our eyes and hearts completely fixed on You. Lord, show us how to protect our union with You in this season. Show us how to let You carry us through, help us to let You carry us through when it is hard for us to give up control. Show us how to be weak enough to let You be our strength, our fortress, for You are our fortress. 

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2 

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