Attachments, Seeds and The Faithfulness of God

 I want to take a moment and give God praise.

This past year has been a rough one- marriage is hard Y'ALL! I actually just spent some time reading through my old journals from over the last 8 years since I've been walking with Christ and there are so many journal entries where I am praying about and for my husband. Yes, it's been hard, but God knew what He was doing and knows still. It has revealed the state of my yucky heart more than anything else has to date. There's a lot of yuck in there.

But He is faithful. I love my husband so much. He has such a tender heart toward me and most importantly, toward God. And I am pretty sure he is the only man in this world who could put up with my crazy lol. I have seen God at work in his life, molding him into a man after His heart and teaching him how to lead our family. 

The other night we got into a fight. My mom happened to be here that night and she could tell something was wrong. When Asrat went to the basement to sleep she told me I needed to go talk to him because we're not supposed to go to bed angry. I went down and we 'talked' all right...more like yell, scream, neither one of us even able to begin to understand what the other was saying in our anger. Finally, in exasperation, we both began to cry and share our real heart behind what was going on. We apologized and talked through things and then came upstairs to apologize to my mom, who said she had been praying for us. 

It's crazy how we can misunderstand one another so easily. We've been reading "Love and Respect" (which I recommend to all the married folk out there) and the pink and blue hearing aids and sunglasses are SO REAL! (You'll have to read the book to find out what that means). 

Anywho, right after that fight and make-up, I received a text from someone I honestly did not think I would ever hear from again. We were close friends in college. She, like myself at the time, was a lesbian. Shortly after I gave my life to Christ and chose to begin living a life identified by Him vs. the lesbian identity I had claimed for so many years, I met with this friend and shared what God had done/was doing in my life. If my memory serves me correctly, she ridiculed me and tried to use logic to explain why all I was believing in was not real/true. I left that meeting feeling so discouraged and like I had failed. I had just lost all of my friends and had been hopeful even one of them would understand and want to follow Christ too. I remember calling my mentors as I drove home, in tears and so defeated. 

She texted the following:

"Hi, Gabby. It's been so many years since we last spoke. I hope your heart is full these days. I've been thinking of you recently and our last interaction, some of the things you said that I immediately rejected. I remember it vividly. I'm so sorry for judging you then. I truly didn't have the ears to hear you. I recently found Jesus and my whole world has flipped on its head to say the least. My old life is dead...similar to what I witnessed in you at that time. My perspective on everything is shifting so rapidly and I don't have the words to keep up with what's happening. My cousin told me that losing friends due to my faith would happen and as I become more aware of my surroundings, I realize I was one of those losses for you. Also, I'm recognizing your courage to share with a non believer so early in your journey. People can be so scary..and just recently being on the other side of this, I'm very aware of how tense the room gets when a conversation gets Biblical. I suppose this is me receiving your testimony 6 years after you gave it. Thank you for your kindness. You'll be in my prayer tonight."

After regaining consciousness and then freaking out in excitement to my mom and husband, I texted back, expressing my joy at receiving that news. She responded:

"Thank you so much for planting that seed. It had to be you and I can see that so clearly right now. I feel so encouraged about my past, it's completely shifting my outlook on the future. I'm thankful to have the clear memory of rejecting someone because of faith. There was no sort of logic or testimony that could have led me to Him at that time. The things that had changed in you were threats to how I perceived my identity. You went from an ally to an intruder in like 10 seconds and looking back, I truly understand how incapable I was to receive Him in the ways you were testifying about. You being gay once and no more was the biggest shock to my system. And now it's just so encouraging because thanks to God and only God, I am understanding that aspect as well. Oh the burdens of our attachments!"

I am mind-blown and in awe and have been since I received the initial message. 

Oh the burden of our attachments...this is so true...regardless of the attachment. I have been walking with Christ for 8 years now and have realized that though He delivered me from SO very much, it is SO very easy to pick up new attachments. To lose sight of what is most important, of Him. No, I may not be walking in the lifestyle I once was walking in, but man oh man do I still struggle with fear and insecurity and pride and surrender. They simply manifest differently now, but they are still just as destructive. Receiving this message from this dear friend, reminded me of my first Love, of how it felt when He was all that mattered to me. Though it was painful, I didn't mind losing everything. I knew He had me. I felt His nearness to me constantly like the shirt on my back. How easy it is to forget His nearness or to let things come between so that nearness is no more. 

Abba, forgive me. Forgive my wandering heart. Forgive the fear in me that leads me to fight You for control. Forgive my lack of surrender. Forgive me for idolizing security and success and stability as if these are the things that will keep me. Forgive me for being so easily distracted that I lose sight of what really matters- planting seeds. Thank You that You are still working, moving, doing miracles. 

We never know how or when the seeds we plant in faith will begin to produce fruit in someone's life.

So, plant constantly, freely, far and wide...always be ready to share what He has done in your life! 

But even if you suffer for doing what is right, God will reward you for it. So don’t worry or be afraid of their threats. Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it. But do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. 1 Peter 3:14-16

And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony. And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die. Revelation 12:11