So Much Better, Your Way

You go before I know

That You've gone to win my war

You come back with the head of my enemy

You come back and You call it my victory

You go before I know

That You've gone to win my war

Your love becomes my greatest defense

It leads me from the dry wilderness

All I did was praise

All I did was worship

All I did was bow down

All I did was stay still

Hallelujah, You have saved me

So much better Your way

Hallelujah, great Defender

So much better Your way

You know before I do

Where my heart can seek to find Your truth

Your mercy is the shade I'm living in

You restore my faith and hope again

All I did was praise

All I did was worship

All I did was bow down

All I did was stay still

Hallelujah, You have saved me

So much better Your way

Hallelujah, great Defender

So much better Your way

This song had been on my heart for months leading up to June, and I didn’t think much about it. I just thought I really liked the song. It’s a powerful song. And then it came on this morning and I listened- I mean really listened- to the words and realized just how much it was needed. Sometimes we hear things, whether it be in song or something someone says, and we don’t understand the significance of it until later when Holy Spirit brings it back to memory…seeds planted awaiting that perfect moment or season when they are meant to bloom and produce fruit in our lives. Kind of like when my dad told me to guard my heart so many years ago and I didn’t understand till years later. Kinda like when he reminded me to guard my heart a few weeks ago and I didn’t understand until this past week (thanks, Dad).

God needed me to know that He is my Savior and He is my Defender, that as long as I remain in a posture of praise and worship, fully surrendered, bowed down before Him, emptied of me...if I remain still...it matters not what comes, whether it be temptation, absolute chaos or some mixture of everything crazy and bad, He is quite capable of fighting for and defending me.

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

It is hard to defend someone who does not think they need defending. It is hard to fight for someone who does not realize they need help, who is frantically swinging in all directions, terrified. And He will not force us to be still, but He will allow situations in our lives to show us why this is important. Why it is absolutely essential that we remain rested in and fully surrendered to Him. And as someone who has often times had to learn things the hard way, I am thankful that He did not give up on me as I frantically swung in circles, completely oblivious that He was surrounding and protecting me, thinking I somehow was doing damage in my own strength.

You see, a big part of my testimony is the importance of obedience. When He asked me to give up my idol (soccer) in my teens...I responded with “NOPE, surely You aren’t talking about that, God! You can have everything, just not that!” When I didn’t give up what He was asking me to- it not only opened the door for me to be introduced to a lifestyle that would eventually become the center of my existence, but it made me push Him away, which was the most dangerous part. When we disobey, we don’t want to continue to hear His correction, His beckoning, His love trying to draw us back. We put up walls. We isolate ourselves, and before you know what’s happened you have wandered so far off track you don’t even know how to begin to reroute yourself. And even in this place, He doesn’t abandon us, but we must face the consequences of our disobedience and prayerfully this leads us, in repentance, running back to His arms. Through this, we learn the importance of obedience, of remaining close to His heart. And truly if we are resting in His love, if we understand even a glimpse of this love He has for us, obedience becomes so much easier. We don’t become perfect at it, but it does become easier.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin. And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child. As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Whoever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all. Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us so that we might share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward, there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong. Hebrews 12:1-12

My last blog was called “No Turning Back”. This is quite funny now, looking back, because what I said in that blog is exactly what has been challenged in the past few weeks since I wrote it. Funny how that happens. How the enemy will try to use something you said and believed, how he finds a weak spot and gets you to somehow question everything. But God will also bring back to remembrance what He has spoken to you. Over the past few weeks people (who had no idea what was going on) have been calling, texting, emailing encouragement and prayers, taking pictures of things I wrote in my book and sending them to me, seemingly at random, but they have all been truth I needed to be reminded of in that moment, truth I knew, truth I know, truth I wrote down to encourage others. He is Truth and He never changes. It’s funny when He uses something you yourself said with full conviction and in full confidence, to someone else. Oh yeah, I suppose that does apply to me, too, huh God? :) 

I mean, I left the Restored Hope conference full of hope and passion! I wrote about how we sang “I have decided to follow Jesus” and when I cried out the words of that song in worship to Jesus, I meant every one of them with all of my heart. And I did! The devil is so annoying. And no, I will not be giving him all of the credit, because unfortunately, I am quite capable of doing bad, all by myself. But still, he is annoying.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked;
Who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9

In the weeks following the conference, I began to struggle with something I have not struggled with in quite a long time. I made some awesome new friends there, who also have come out of homosexuality and we connected as a group on several different occasions, talked about our testimonies, what God is doing in our lives now, even prayed together. All was swell. I was excited to have new friends, because I don’t typically get too close to people. Not because I don’t like people, I just have learned to be careful because I was never really good with boundaries in relationships before and so to protect myself, I keep a pretty good distance. I’m honestly not sure this is very healthy, because I know it is important to have good healthy friendships, and putting up a wall to keep people out also sometimes does the same to God. He will not force Himself through our walls. I don’t think I am even aware of the walls I put up sometimes, which makes it very unlikely that I have created them to know who to let in and who to keep out. So, He knocks and waits to be invited in, to be allowed to be in charge of the guarding of our hearts as we are in relationship with Him so that He can show us who to let in and to what degree.

When I started having thoughts/feelings toward someone, I freaked out. We hadn’t even spent time together, not alone anyways, and all we had talked about was our testimonies and Jesus stuff! How could this be happening? My first reaction was to try to just ignore it hoping it would go away, in essence, to hide...and then I realized that would be totally dumb, so I told my best friend. Then I told my parents. Then I talked to one of my mentors. Something awesome about this is that she did the same- after recognizing the thoughts/feelings, understanding the need for transparency, chose to reach out for help and accountability.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16

One thing I have learned through many mistakes, is the importance of transparency, of bringing things to the light so the enemy cannot use them against you. And though it had now been brought to the light, I was angry. It was more of an “I’m doing this because I know I’m supposed to, but I really want what I want and I want it now and I’m angry I can’t have my way” response. Gabby wanted to be boss. Gabby wanted to be God. Gabby would make a terrible god. Gabby is selfish. And He, in all of His love and kindness, allowed me to throw a tantrum, have a pity party, and truly protected me when I didn’t even realize I needed protecting. Not from anyone else, not from the devil, but from myself. My thoughts were really beginning to scare me. And the enemy was there playing with my head with thoughts like, “you should just go for it, what could you lose?”, “you can just ask for forgiveness afterwards, isn’t He so full of love and grace?” I could see through those lies so I tried to speak truth over them…

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

So then he began to taunt me with “well, you’re going to fall and when you do you won’t be able to get up this time”, “your whole testimony will be a joke”. Which honestly was enough to scare me even when I was still throwing a tantrum and pushing God away. because I couldn’t bear to be in His presence. The shame I was feeling about the thoughts and frustration that I could even think about wanting to go back after all He has done...after the way He has loved me...was tormenting. And I hadn’t even technically done anything! But, wow, the mind is a crazy powerful thing. And I know from experience how quickly a thought unsurrendered, undealt with, can turn to more than a thought.

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. James 1:12-15

Last Friday evening I did a FB Live interview (Speak Life Video) with a friend of mine, who I also met at the Restored Hope conference. What was supposed to be a 10 minute interview (I wanted it to be short because I had no clue what I was going to say, or what I could say with my mind in the state that it was in) turned into a 50 minute interview, where God took over and spoke through my friend and I, reminding us of what He has done, Who He is...and Who we are because of Him. I left feeling encouraged, but still defeated, because it seemed that no amount of hearing what I knew was true seemed to be sinking into my heart. It felt like there was this huge gap in between my head knowledge and heart knowledge, like it just couldn’t connect.

On Sunday morning, I requested prayer from one of the pastors at church. She used Ephesians 6 to pray over me and then gave me a book to borrow called “Praying God’s Word: Breaking Free from Spiritual Strongholds” by Beth Moore. I started reading this book and God began to show me where the strongholds were, what areas I was still holding onto for fear of full surrender. He pointed out the idolatry in my heart and the unbelief. In this book, Beth uses scripture to pray truth over these areas and reminds us that our weapons, as discussed in the verses below, are the Word of God and prayer. His Word reminds us of truth. Of Truth. His word is the only source of Truth. He is the only Truth. And communion with Him through prayer is key. The safest place to be is at His feet, is near His heart. The enemy would try anything to keep us from knowing Truth and from being in direct communion and fellowship with our Father. We must use the weapons He has given us. God has not left us helpless. He fights for us, but there comes a time when we must stand and fight, too.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints. Ephesians 6:10-18

Another thing Beth Moore repeats is that it is always God’s will for us to be free from strongholds. He did not save us to live a life in bondage to our sin. Yes, we may struggle, but He equips us to fight, to be free. What so very often contributes to our bondage, however, is the fact that He is not Lord. He has saved us, so He is Savior; He has comforted us, so He is Comforter; He has loved us, so He is Lover. But we do not surrender to His Lordship, because that would mean He has full control. We try to take the reins. I try to take the reins and then wonder how things got so out of control...how I ended up in a ditch, backwards and upside down. I clearly am not good at steering a horse (that’s what reins do, right?...anyways...moving right along...).

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1

On Monday evening, I met with one of my mentors and I really wanted to cancel this meeting. Honestly, I probably wrote and deleted about 4 messages asking if we could reschedule dinner. I finally decided to just go. I thought I was going to be babied and told everything is going to be okay, we all struggle, there is grace etc etc.

NOPE.

I got “tore up”. Like, if there is such a thing as a spiritual butt whoopin...this is what happened to me on Monday evening, and I could quite literally feel my 16 year old rebellious self rise up in defiance. Which, quite frankly, terrified me. I even felt myself make “the face”. Mom, dad, you know what I’m talking about. Just think back to when dad told me I couldn’t wear the bikini I had just got from Target. Or when you guys told me I couldn’t go to Bushfire. I don’t even know what it looks like, but I could feel myself making it and she saw it too.

To which she responded (knowing that the deal is when we have our diner dates, I pay for the meal), “You are so mad right now, if only you could see the face you’re making at me. That’s alright. AND I’m getting dessert tonight!”

She sat with me for hours and rather than lecture me, she allowed God to speak through her in telling me her own story of learning the importance of surrendering to His Lordship, the importance of obedience. Because though God is full of love and mercy and grace and kindness...there comes a time when, if you have not learned from Him bringing you back through all of that, when you have experienced all of those aspects of His character and still want to disobey, that He will hand you over to yourself. Not because He doesn't love you anymore or because He has given up on you, but because He loves you so much that He would allow you to see, to feel what going your own way would lead to. And it’s never pretty. He is loving and full of grace and mercy, but He is also just and holy. And He deserves and desires our full obedience. I left dinner that night with a whole lot to think about, and I knew what God was asking me to do.

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. Hebrews 10:31

On Tuesday evening, I was debating going to small group when a friend from my small group called to check on me. She asked if we could go together. She let me know God had put me on her heart over the weekend and that she had been praying for me. That night, we discussed Philippians 2:1-11. Here is some of it:

Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:6-11

Verse 7 is in bold because that is where we spent the most time. Some versions say that He made Himself nothing or that He emptied Himself. “What did He empty Himself of?” we asked. He emptied Himself of Himself, so that He could be a perfect vessel for God’s power to work in and through. Which is absolutely amazing when you think about it! So often I am reading or thinking about Jesus, and I’m like, “well, yeah, of course He could resist temptation, of course He could do these miracles, He’s Jesus!” He’s basically God. And He was. He is. But the thing this verse clearly states is that He laid aside His divinity, He chose to not act as God so that He could be human, like us. He demonstrated what it looks like to die to self, so God could work through Him. So that verse where He says that whoever believes in Him will do what He did and greater, because He goes to the Father (John 14:12), makes so much more sense! We can do greater, if God wills to work through us to do so, but the key is to be emptied of ourselves. I must die to me, so that He can work in and through me. And when we live in that kind of surrender, truly, anything is possible. Not because we are awesome, but because we are dead to ourselves and He is awesome! So when He says He understands our temptations, He feels the pains that we felt...He did! He does! And He felt it with all of the intensity that we do! If He had gone back and forth between being man and being God (acting out of His divinity), he couldn’t have been a role model for us because we can’t do that. But surrender? Death to my will? Obedience? It’s hard, but we can do it. He must be Lord over every area of my life.

So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:14-16

At the end of each small group, we take prayer requests and pray for one another. I told my group a little of what had been going on and requested prayer and was humbled by how we demonstrated what it means to be His body. My group surrounded and laid hands on me and one at a time prayed over and for me, declaring freedom and victory, so beautifully putting into action what we have been learning through Philippians on the importance of unity in the body. I have no words to express my thankfulness for the family He has placed me in.

Last night I went to my Women at the Well class and we talked about our true and false selves, basically who God created us to be and Who He says we are vs. who the world says we are or who we try to be to protect ourselves/cope. Whereas last week at the end when it was time to share, I sobbed for about 10 minutes because I felt like such a failure for struggling the way that I was, this week I was able to see and speak truth over what has been going on. God brought clarity into the equation and 3 verses:

You will show me the path of life;In Your presence is fullness of joy;At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11

Blessed is the manWho walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,Nor stands in the path of sinners,Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;But his delight is in the law of the Lord,And in His law he meditates day and night.He shall be like a treePlanted by the rivers of water,That brings forth its fruit in its season,Whose leaf also shall not wither;And whatever he does shall prosper. Psalm 1:1-3

My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carefully to my words.Don’t lose sight of them.Let them penetrate deep into your heart,for they bring life to those who find them,and healing to their whole body.Guard your heart above all else,for it determines the course of your life.Avoid all perverse talk;stay away from corrupt speech.Look straight ahead,and fix your eyes on what lies before you.Mark out a straight path for your feet;stay on the safe path.Don’t get sidetracked;keep your feet from following evil. Proverbs 4:20-27

We had time at the end of worship to write down all of the lies we were believing and to place them at the cross, picking up another piece of paper instead. Mine read:

I bless you as your Father makes known the path of life to you. I bless you with joy as you see His presence in the world around you, His fingerprints on your own life, the gifts that He has given you, the surprises He has planned for you, the unexpected treasures He has placed in your life. I bless you with eyes to see in the spirit realm things as they are- the gifts, and presence, and hand of God. His truth and His love touches all through your life, day after day.

It was a time in His presence where He showed me a little bit more clearly, why I struggle the way I do. And we all do. Yes, I have a disobedience problem that needed to be put in check. Yes, I do struggle with unbelief and idolatry and it is rooted in pride and fear and rebellion and I’m sure a whole bunch of other things- the list could go on for pages. Yes, I do tend to look for things I feel I am lacking in others and when boundaries are not in place, attraction develops when I see those in another female. I don’t see myself as bold or strong or confident. I think sometimes there is a major gap in how we see ourselves and in who we really are when He is working through us. Because, no, I am not any of those things apart from Him. I am fearful and selfish and weak and insecure and greedy and envious. I am a hot mess. But He calls me to Himself and if I will stop fighting Him, stop fighting the process of sanctification as He sets me apart and purges my mess, making me more and more like Him...I become Who He intended me to be. And He calls that mess, beautiful. His.

Now of course God wants us to have friends, to be in relationship with others. We were made for fellowship. Firstly, with Him and then with others. And He is quite capable of teaching us how to do this, for those of us who have struggled with boundaries and same-sex or opposite-sex friendships. But the enemy would use even something that is rooted in good desires and try to twist them if he can. So we have to be aware of his tactics and aware of how to counter them.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:8-11

A friend shared a video this morning that I watched in my quiet time: Healthy Same Sex Friendships by Dee Barnes, founder of His Wonderful Works ministry. She talks about her own testimony of coming out of homosexuality and learning to make healthy same-sex friendships. She talks about the importance of transparency, being quick to confess and repent, setting boundaries, and accountability so that we can develop relationships where Christ is the center so that illegitimate expectations are not placed on another. One practical step she encourages is fasting a friendship, or communication within that friendship if there is attraction or dependency. Because, ultimately, even if He asked me to surrender every single relationship, every friendship, in order to learn to keep Him center, in order to grow in intimacy with Him, in order to see that He is all I need, it would be worth it. I don’t think He is calling me to a life of isolation, with no friends, I just think that when we struggle with something, a lot of times He will ask us to surrender it. And this is so He can teach us how to handle/manage that area of our lives with Him guiding us from the center and holding what we’ve handed to Him until we’ve realized that in His hands is exactly where it all needs to be. It is safe, in His hands. It is healthy, in His hands. It is beautiful, in His hands. It produces fruit, in His hands. We produce fruit, in His hands.

Lord, I place myself in Your hands and all of the broken mess that comes along with me. Teach me how to stay in this place of surrender. Jesus, I desperately need You and I cannot do this without You. Teach me to keep You center. Forgive my idolatry, my unbelief, my rebellion. Help me to love You and for obedience to be the direct result of realizing Your love for me and loving You in return. I can never love You in the way You deserve, but Lord, please take my heart and all of the love that I can muster. Help me to love You, more. Because we don’t hurt those we love...we protect their hearts. And I don’t want to hurt Your heart. Thank You for protecting mine. Thank you for the friends and family, both old and new, that You have placed in my life, who constantly speak truth and encourage. Thank You that we are all on this journey together, and that even though we don’t always get it right, that You teach us through our mistakes. Teach us to love one another as You love us, selflessly and with a pure heart. In Jesus’ Name, amen.