Lord, Your Nearness is my Good

Tantos cambios. So many changes. This was the title of my end of the term speech in my class this past Saturday, where I attempted to talk about all of the changes that have taken place this past year. I was actually supposed to write and talk about my achievements from 2019 and what my goals are for 2021. However, I got stuck on 2020.

I think we are all a little stuck on 2020.

I tried really hard to remember last year and the only thing I could remember was, of course, my little sister's wedding, but not much else. And next year!? I can't even think past this week; next year feels impossible to imagine!

So I requested permission to talk about life so far in 2020. Permission granted.

January started off well...an amazing, life-changing trip to Israel with my sister, Danielle. To get to see and touch the places where Jesus walked and taught...to be able to see all He is doing in various countries in the Middle East through a ministry called Frontier Alliance International, to feel like in some small way just by being there for the Maranatha Tour and Conference, that we were/are a part of what God is doing there. I will never forget that trip. 

When I returned from Israel, God asked me to end a relationship. That wasn't as difficult as I thought because He had made it very clear while I was away that this was not what He had for me in this season. Then my mom came to visit in February for what was only meant to be a few weeks. And then the Coronavirus. Well, Coronavirus was going on long before February, March. It just started to get really bad here around then.

Borders closed. Flights canceled. My mom couldn't leave and she's still here 3 months later, unsure of when things will open up so she can go back home to Swaziland to my dad and my sister. It's really hard for her and for my dad being apart so long. Sorry for telling on you guys, but they've both cried a lot. And it's really hard for me for some reason to be as emotionally strong and supportive as I want to be, it's like I'm scared of the fear and sensitivity and lack of control I feel inside and see in others and so I put up this hard exterior like I'm not phased, but I am. I don't like to see my mom and dad not okay. And I can't make it better.

But you know what's crazy? I know that God brought my mom here for such a time as this. The lady who made it possible for her to be here was obedient in asking her to come not knowing God had something much bigger in store for my mom that stretched far beyond the few weeks she had planned to be here. 

For one thing, I needed her to be around. My sister Joelle moved across the country in April and I knew it was coming, but it didn't make it any easier. I hate being so far from my family. Joelle was the only one of my immediate family still closeby and my siblings are my best friends. Joelle moved here around the time God started to walk me out of homosexuality and it was a hard few years. If you know Joelle, you know the prayer and worship warrior she is- I've felt such comfort and strength by her nearness and friendship. And I know we still have that, it's just hard. Something Joelle said before she moved was that God was doing this just as much for me as for them. And I didn't like it, but I understand. Not only does He have amazing things in store for them there in WA, (one being a new baby in just a few months), but He also has amazing things in store for me and I think is trying to show me that my walk is not dependent on the strength and nearness of those in my life who I love and look to. But it is solely dependent on Him, on His nearness, on abiding in Him. When all else and all others are taken away, to who and to what will I run to? 

Also, one of my roomies, who moved in around the same time I moved into my house 3-4 years ago, announced she would be moving to California because she got a new job there to be closer to her son and grandson. I also knew this was coming and had been praying with and for her for this to happen. But again, it is still hard. She leaves Wednesday and I am trying to hold back tears as I write this and see 25 boxes sitting next to me waiting to be picked up and shipped to California. Since everything got really serious in the US with Coronavirus, we've all been home a lot more and have been spending a lot of time together. I'm so thankful for that, that my mom and Lorraine had the opportunity to become friends and to support each other in this very strange and difficult season. I'm thankful for the many moms God has brought into my life.

A week before lockdown, I stayed at an Airbnb out in Western MD so I could spend a day hiking in the woods and the couple I happened to stay with I found out very quickly were also followers of Christ and a beautiful friendship has developed from this. God gave me another mom here in MD. I truly believe for everything He takes away...every person He moves away, He gives another, He restores 100fold. 

And because my mom is stuck here and not in Swaziland right now, she will be able to be here for the birth of her first grandson, which is something that she had been praying for.

I've been made aware these past few months how much I struggle with fear. I think it goes back to identity. It used to be founded in my life as a lesbian, in my relationships, in my ability to hold things together...something I have never been very good at by the way. He called me out of that lifestyle and then my identity was so wrapped up in the fact that I used to be gay and then I wasn't and everything had to do with that. Then He asked me to step away from all of that, what I was sure was my calling and purpose in life, so that I could learn to simply be His daughter. To learn Who He is as Father and to learn that that is enough. And that it is not about what I can or will ever do for Him, but simply who I am because of Who He is and the sacrifice He made for me...

With that identity gone, I began to obsess about what I own, managing my adult life responsibly and again...holding everything together. It all fell apart. My basement flooded multiple times. I spent a LOT of money trying to get it fixed and the person who was working on it passed away in the middle of the job and there was no way to get the money back. I struggled financially and emotionally and also began to realize I might have an alcohol problem. Rather than run to God, I ran to wine. He walked me through this and then once things felt "stable" again, I went right back to trying to cling to things to hold them together. As if the state of my home and my job and my bank accounts and credit scores are what determine my worth and how successful or unsuccessful I am as a person. 

A few weeks ago I found out some of my personal info was compromised when I was alerted about a few accounts opened in my name and a whole lot of costs on these accounts. 

I FREAKED OUT. 

My mom and roomies were in the kitchen making dinner when I ran out of my room, sobbing, declaring that I was going to the police station. I ran out of the house barefoot and without my keys, purse, mask, anything. Clearly, I wasn't going anywhere. 

For a few weeks, I allowed fear to completely control me, staying up for hours and hours, obsessing over how I could fix it, how I could protect myself and make sure no one "gets" me again. I felt like everyone was out to get me. I was scared to answer my phone, to respond to any email, to click on anything. Again, thankfully my mom was here. She talked sense into me and helped me snap out of the insanity a few times. Eventually, I surrendered it as best as I could and am learning again that my worth and my identity is not in what I own, not even in who I am as the world defines me, as my birth certificate and license and social security define me...that's not Gabby.

If all of that is stripped away, if the worst of the worst were to happen to me...do I really know who I am and to Whom I belong? Because if I know that, I know Who is in control and Who is holding me together even as I frantically and uselessly cling to things thinking I am holding anything together, all the while I am falling to pieces. He so gently and lovingly picks them up one by one and puts me back together and reminds me that He is good. 

That's it.

He is good. He is good to me. He is so good to me. He is so faithful, even when I am not. Even when I forget Him, even when I try to be in control and I have a hard time trusting Him. Even when my actions clearly show that I do not trust Him and that I am making my things and my success and my worldly identity my gods...He doesn't, He hasn't abandoned me...He draws me in and reminds me how much He loves me, how much He has done for me and that He is good. And I am so sorry I doubted Him. I am so sorry I doubted His goodness and His faithfulness and His ability to hold me together even when everything and everyone around me is falling apart...

I just want anyone who reads this to be reminded of this. That He is good. And that He loves you too much to allow you to cling to anything or anyone out of fear and insecurity. He loves you too much to leave you in that place, where yes, you may know Him and long to live for Him, but you can't really get to know Him, you can't really get close to Him like He desires and like your heart longs to be close because there are too many things and people in the way. Your hands are full trying to hold the world together. You were never meant to hold the world together. You are not Superman or Wonderwoman. You are His child. And He is God. And He is quite capable of holding the entire universe together, while at the same time picking up every individual piece of your heart and life and mending it together tenderly and patiently as He removes the things that you cling to, the things that keep you from being able to trust and rest in Him, alone. 

I am speaking this to myself, too. I have not figured this out. I still struggle with these things. The identity issues go so deep for so many if not all of us at some point or another in our lives. It is so so easy to allow so many other things and ideas and people to determine what we believe about ourselves and about the God who created us. 

Abba, I ask that You continue to reveal these areas in my life, in the lives of all who read this. We belong to You, nothing hidden. Shine Your light into our hearts and minds and bring to light anything that is not in alignment with Your Word and Your heart for us. Lord, teach us to live each moment on purpose and in close proximity to You because we may not know what is to come next week or month or year...but we do know that You are constant and that our purpose and identity are wrapped up in You. So the key is Your nearness. Help us to simply dwell. To let go of all else and to lean into You. 

I have this picture of me crawling into Your lap and resting against Your chest and when I think of this, it's like all the weight falls off because I know that's exactly where I need to be. And that You are big enough to take and to carry and to deal with all that is heavy on my heart and mind. So right now, Abba, I leave it all there at Your feet and I crawl into Your lap and I choose to stay here, close to Your heart. Please help me to stay here. 

But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do. Psalm 73:28