Bitter-Sweet


Goodbyes are probably hard for most, if not everyone, at least sometimes. 

I thought by now it would be easier.

It's not.

Thankfully, I have not lost anyone that I was extremely close to in a very long time. One of my grandfathers passed when I was 9. I was close to him and it was painful, but I think what was more painful was seeing how much pain my mom and grandmother were in, so I tried really hard to be strong for them.

After he passed, I really struggled with this fear that others close to me who I loved were going to die. As in, I would go check on my parents and siblings multiple times throughout the night because I would wake up in a panic wondering if they had died...or after watching Left Behind, if they had been raptured, leaving me behind because I forgot to say sorry for being mean that day. 

When we moved to Swaziland, the goodbyes were really hard, but I think somehow it felt more like we were going on a really long trip and there was so much excitement about moving to Africa and starting a new life there, that most of the time it drowned out the heartache of the goodbyes and missing people. Not always, but it did help. 

I very quickly realized after being in Swaziland a few years that I was going to have to start getting used to this good-bye thing, because many people would come to visit on teams and I would get close to them, and then they would leave. I sort-of understood and expected that because they were short-term missions trips; they weren't planning on staying forever, even though I often would meet people who I wished could have. 

What was really hard was when missionaries who expected and planned on being there a long time, all of a sudden had to leave. I had a few youth leaders and mentors that I loved dearly who had to suddenly leave either for health reasons or other reasons I never knew or understood. 

I tried to understand but it was devastating to me at that time. In part, because before I walked away from God, I was on fire for Him and my heart was to see my entire school radically saved and on fire for Jesus. As you can imagine, I experienced a lot of rejection. Well, it wasn't exactly a rejection of me, rather of Christ, but I think I took it a little more personally than I was willing to admit. 

It's a hard and maybe even a lifelong lesson to learn and re-learn that when people reject you, it's not about you, and to not hold onto offense but to release it and them to Jesus because He has already faced and is able to handle the rejection. 

The missionaries who were my youth leaders and mentors were the ones I would run to after hard days. They would come to campus and help to speak to my peers and would hold prayer and worship events and I felt almost invincible, so safe when I knew they were nearby.

When people started to leave, I think something in me snapped and I decided I probably shouldn't get close to people who were just going to leave, so I shut down. I stopped talking to people I once had been very transparent with and I tried to be strong on my own. This is probably something that contributed to me eventually walking away completely. I was offended. I was bitter. 

And you know what's crazy!? Our lesson this week in my Emmaus Online class was on anger and bitterness. To this day, I never realized I struggled with either. I thought anger was only a violent outburst and bitterness the result of refusing to forgive someone. I never realized that me being so easily frustrated, impatient...that these things can be out of anger and symptoms of bitterness. 

Bitterness can occur when we feel like we deserved something that we didn't get or when we feel we've been wronged or when expectations are not met and disappointment sets in. Bitterness has a root system that can go so deep and can extend into so many areas and manifest in so many ways in our lives. In the lesson, she talked about Genesis 4:3-5 where we read about Cain being angry and his countenance falling. God asks him why he is so angry and why he is so downcast. He tells Cain that "sin lies at the door" and that "its desire is for you, but you should rule over it". I think that is so cool, firstly, just seeing that God cares about us so much that He would ask us why we are so angry and warn us of the results of not dealing with this anger and also because if God says we should rule over it, it means we CAN. 

She also talked about Ephesians 4:26-32 and I love this because it reminds me so much of Genesis 4:3-5, which she called the "first counseling session" in the Bible. 

Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place (an opportunity) to the devil...And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:26-27, 29-32

Again we are reminded about the seriousness of anger. And Paul doesn't say "don't be angry". He says "be angry, and do not sin". It is not sin to feel. But what we do with these feelings can lead us to sin, can lead to an open door, a foothold, an opportunity for the devil to work in our lives. If we want to be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving, as Christ forgave us, we have to...I have to...be willing to sit down and identify the areas of my life where I have allowed bitterness to take root. I have to ask the Holy Spirit to shine a light on where I have allowed rejection and offense and hurt to develop into bitterness which causes me to be frustrated and angry and impatient. 

Jesus forgave me after I rejected Him. He turned to me after I turned away. He picked me up when I spat in His face and spoke terribly about Him to others, even at times spitefully denying His very existence. He forgave me. He loved me. He prayed for me. So how can I not do the same when it comes to people and situations in my life? 

One of the exercises we were asked to do was to write 20 things you are frustrated or angry or bitter about (because we often don't realize how connected these things are). Even if the things that come to your mind and heart seem dumb, write them down anyway, because to voice them to God, to let it all out, no matter how big or small, takes away the power it has over us, takes away the power the enemy thinks he has over us because we have been silently struggling inside thinking we can figure it out on our own terms, all the while maybe not even realizing how deep the struggle really goes or where the roots lie.

Some of the things I wrote were that life doesn't look how I thought it would, I'm angry that my foot is hurt and I can't run for 6 weeks, angry that two people I dearly love just moved to the other side of the country, angry that someone would try to take advantage of or steal from me...and the result of these feelings can either make me try to cling more tightly to control thinking I can do a better job of guarding my heart so I don't have to feel the pain of saying goodbye or obsessing over my security as if I am capable of protecting and defending myself from all the evil in the world. 

As if I was promised I would never hurt or struggle. We were never promised that. Jesus told us in John 16 that in this world we WILL have trouble, but that we are to take heart! Why? Because He has overcome the world. And THAT is what I need to cling to. I wasn't promised a perfect life that goes my way. I was promised that He will never leave me (Deut. 31:6) and that He has already won and that I have been given not only the privilege of believing in Him but also SUFFERING for Him (Phil 1:29).

And many of the things I get upset or angry about are hardly suffering for Him, they are simply the results of living in a messed up and broken world. But what matters is how I handle these situations because in them lies the opportunity to be made more like Him. Maybe so that when it comes time to suffer for Him, I can do so in full peace and confidence remembering how faithful He was not only to bring me through trials but also to meet me there in the midst of them, acknowledging the way I feel and beckoning me to hand Him my heart so that He can show me how to love and let go, how to receive rejection and wrong-doing and how to forgive, how to be angry and not sin.

We learned that the main way to overcome bitterness is thankfulness. That thankfulness quenches bitterness because bitterness cannot thrive in a heart filled with gratitude. And wow do I have a lot to be thankful for.

He saved me.
His faithfulness.
His patience with me.
That He draws me near.
For my amazing family.
For each and every person He has brought into my life even if only for a season. Friends who have come and gone. My mentors and youth leaders in Swaziland. My roommates. 
For His Presence, which is a gift that can never be taken from me.

Today, as I reflect on all of this, I am thankful for the pain right now in my heart, because it reminds me how much healing God has done that I was able to allow someone in enough to love them and therefore to hurt when they are gone and to miss them. And to not harden my heart against these things but to acknowledge that they are very real and legitimate emotions that result from a very real and meaningful relationship that God brought into my life. 

Thank You, God, that You love me enough to deal with the way I feel, whether it's heartache from saying goodbye or whether it's anger and disappointment, maybe even bitterness when I feel I've been wronged or when I am disappointed. No matter whether it comes from a right place or a wrong place (in terms of attitude and heart condition), You don't wave it off.

You ask "why are you so angry? Why do you look you so dejected?"
You say "come now, and let us reason together...though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18).
You say "come unto Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).

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