From Tightrope to Stepping Stones

On the first page of my planner for 2018, I wrote, for some reason unbeknownst to me: Year of Completion. Year of Clarity. Which is interesting. Because 2018 did not feel like it was a year of either of these. In fact, it felt more like a never-ending game of tug-of-war, blindfolded, on a tightrope hundreds of feet above a tumulous ocean. I saw it as a tight-rope. But looking back I think it was more like stepping stones through a calm river, with a loving God before, behind and beside me asking me if I will trust Him enough to take the next step. In my eyes it felt like every misstep, every mistake was this disastrous thing that could have been the end of me, but I think this has been a season of learning in safety. Like a child learning how to ride a bike, not knowing that their father is gently holding onto the back of the bicycle to keep them steady while they gain confidence to peddle. Eventually, he removes his hands so that they can truly learn to ride...but he is still so near and so ready to come to the rescue if and when the child does fall. 

So much has changed this year. I graduated with my Masters in January and discovered that I had absolutely no clue how to function as a human-being adult person, in life, without a strict homework/study/research to-do list governing my every moment. My OCD has reached new heights this year that's for sure. I may no longer have homework, but best believe my house is spotless. I have got to learn to chill out. lol.

In February, I left the church I had been going to since 2015 when I re-dedicated my life to Christ and began this new journey with Him. This was hard and it was painful, for many reasons I will not go into here. I was scared of how to walk out my faith because I had such a close-knit family here and accountability. God has been teaching me how His family goes beyond the walls of a church, and how to foster and maintain accountability outside of these walls. I am thankful for all I learned in the season God had me there.

In March, I started going to a new church, Highland Community Church, after walking into a night of prayer for Baltimore City and feeling instantly that this was home. I am learning what it is to commit and to serve, even in areas I may not necessarily feel gifted in if this is what is needed. I want to serve and love well and I am thankful to be part of a church family who longs to make a difference in Baltimore City and who is also partnered with Teen Challenge, an incredible program that guides men struggling with addiction toward Christ.

In June, I attended a conference in DC hosted by ministries that mainly work with those struggling with same-sex attraction or those coming out of the LGBT lifestyle. I shared my testimony at a conference and met many others who like me have also, because of the beckoning of Christ, come out of homosexuality. 

In July, I had to walk through a major lesson in obedience related to friendships/relationships, when I began struggling with feelings/attraction toward one of the friends I met at this conference. God showed me the importance of guarding my heart and how even good/Christ-centered friendships can become perverted if there are no boundaries in place and if He does not remain the focal point. I had to take a step back from this friendship and allow God to heal my heart because I was devastated when I realized how close I was to falling back into what He called me out of. He has set me free, but I have to be mindful and prayerful of what I allow inside because just as doors were opened when I was a teen to something I never thought I would struggle with, I have not outgrown this. We do not out-grow sin. We simply learn how to obey, how to take the measures necessary to protect ourselves rather than seeing how close we can get to the fire without getting burned. 

In August, I went to a women's retreat in Arizona where God very clearly asked me to walk away from LGBT ministry for the time being and to focus on being still, on being His. He also asked me to get off of social media, which felt so freeing at first. But this was probably one of the hardest things (sad to say) I have ever done. I did not realize how intertwined my identity was with social media or how much weight I put into this new identity of Gabby the ex-lesbian. When I thought about who I was, that was what came to mind. I used to be gay Gabby and now I'm not. I thought my worth was drawn from this, my value and purpose as His daughter came from sharing my story and somehow saving all those in the lifestyle I came out of. It took me realizing how easily I could still fall and separating myself from this identity to realize how little I really knew of who I was according to what He says. To be honest, in the months that followed, I felt completely lost. And this is when I began to realize just how many issues I still had/have, but also just how deep and relentless is His grace and love.

In September and October, I began frantically looking for new jobs. I felt like I needed change, I needed to be somewhere else. I think this stemmed from the chaos my heart was in, following all of the change that occurred in August. I needed to run and fast. I needed to be in control, to prove to myself that I still had purpose and that I could create this purpose, that I could steer this ship, though I had no clue how or where I was going.

In November, I began running with a group called Back on My Feet and felt like I was seeing Baltimore with new eyes through the early morning runs and new friendships with those on my team. This has been such a gift from God and actually helped me to say no to a few very tempting job offers that I would have said yes to if I had received them just a month before.

In December, I went to Spain with my family for the most incredible family vacation we have ever had. It was a beautiful week of exploring and very much needed family time. 

From around September to just a few weeks ago, I began struggling again- on and off- with something I know He has asked me to completely lay down. Alcohol. I shouldn't even call it a struggle, because I know what He asked me, and no one ever forced it down my throat. I have the power to say yes and I have the power to say no. And it was just so much easier to say yes. Never in excess or to the point of being drunk, but does the amount or occasion really matter if He has said no to the thing altogether?

Disobedience, regardless of how small, is disobedience and it is all the same to Him. I would go a few weeks without any, but then an opportunity would present itself and I would somehow justify it in that moment and then wonder why I was feeling far from God, battling with my thoughts and with dreams and memories of my past. My mom called me out, because well, I have always had this thing about me where when I feel a certain way or think I have heard from God, I tell those I am close to. So, there is no hiding when I am going against the very thing I told them because I have already made it public. This has been extremely frustrating at times, but has also, thankfully, saved me from a heck of a lot. In this instance, I am thankful for my big mouth.

And now we are here. January 1st, 2019. It is a new year and a clean slate. And I feel like He is showing me a picture of these stepping stones...each one is obedience in one area or another and until I can obey Him with what He has asked me on the stone I am at, I cannot move to the next. I have to trust His heart for me even when I don't understand. I do not want to be stuck on this stone forever. The river may be calm now, but there are times and seasons when our disobedience could very well cost everything. There are times when it really may be a tightrope over a tumulous ocean and our obedience and His grace are the only things keeping us from falling in. And the beautiful thing about God is that even then, even when we do fall from that high and into those depths, His grace is still sufficient to pull us out, but I want to take the next step. It does not have to be tug-of-war if I choose to stop fighting God and questioning His reason and direction. Who am I to question God? Lord, forgive my pride and rebellion.

I'm tired of being on the same stone. I long for something new. I am excited about where He has me right now, in this season, in Baltimore City, at Highland Community Church, in the family I am in and among the beautiful people I get to run with, work with and meet each day at work. So I will not run away. I will learn to stay. I will learn to wait. I will learn to be His and to walk in the purpose He has for me here in this very moment. I will choose to obey.

This is what the Lord says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, who drew out the chariots and horses, the army and reinforcements together, and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:
 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:16-19