The Beginning of My Journey Back, August 4, 2013


I wrote a poem on this day...

This Journey is Mine

The very foundations on which I stood...stand shaking trembling beneath me and I am uncertain I know how to walk forward without them crumbling and I crashing hardly able to see straight through the tears I reach out hands open grasping anything solid that might not slip through the spaces between my fingers...

We all need something, someone to believe in and when your whole life has been centered on this one thing...what if it is not real...

I would not know where to go from there. Do I blindly believe and deny the facts or do I push aside something that was my world my whole life and accept that in our need of something more to believe in all that we lived for was created in a beautiful story to bring hope because we could not accept that there was nothing.

I cannot accept that there is nothing. Nothing is more difficult to believe than something and I know what I feel though I cannot put it into words because at this very moment my heart is shattered and I am trying to put the pieces back together.

This puzzle cannot be solved. This puzzle has too many pieces.

Maybe there is so much more than all that I ever believed. Maybe that was just one corner of the puzzle and in order for it to make sense I must step back and try to take in the whole.

I fear the entirety of it may be too much for my mind to comprehend, for my heart to bear...

But my soul...my soul takes flight because it knows that me realizing there is more to the puzzle is already one step closer to getting there.

There may be relative and something I never find, some things may never make sense.

I accept this, find my footing, take a deep breath, and remember that this journey is mine.

This was the day my heart broke. Yes it had been broken by women, by friends, by people I thought cared. But this day was more painful than anything I had ever experienced. This was the day I realized how much it mattered to me that Jesus was real. This was the day I decided I didn't care if I crashed my car and died. Because if God wasn't real, NOTHING else mattered to me. After 5 years of convincing myself that I was convinced that it was all relative, that it wasn't important, that He wasn't real...and then I completely melt at the real thought of it. I felt His love this day as I fell to my dorm room floor, heart broken...It was as if He took me in His arms and smiled.

"You silly child. You know I'm real. How could you deny Me after all we've been through?"

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